Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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