I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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