My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
