Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
