Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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