I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
