You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
