I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
