and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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