Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
