this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
where are my eyebrows?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
