just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
