I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
