I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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