I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
