Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
