I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Randomize
