here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
