My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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