So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
