My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
