He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
