Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
