roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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