can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
