You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize