The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
