He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
