Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
