ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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