I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
