She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
