She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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