I wish my penis had an off switch
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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