i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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