Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Dear god my vagina.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
