I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
