Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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