Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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