just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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