I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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