Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize