Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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