someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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