I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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