And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
