I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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