who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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