Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
