I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize