Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize