I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
All I want is dick and wine.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize