1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
