you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
All I want is dick and wine.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
